The white flag is raised — winter beats me up

Date Published: 
March 28, 2014

There’s an ominous line that is repeated often in the HBO show, “Game of Thrones,” that often sends shudders up and down the spines of the central characters whenever it is uttered.

“Winter is coming.”

Only, around these parts, winter has come. Winter has lingered. And winter has worn out its welcome like that drunken blathering friend who won’t leave your house seven hours after the rest of the people at your party have gone home and fallen asleep, leaving you sitting on your couch with half-closed eyes and your head swimming with the possibilities of grabbing the closest blunt object and ...

But I digress.

So, yeah, we got kicked in the face with another snow storm on Tuesday, March 25. Six days until April starts, and the view outside my office window looked like a snow globe on steroids. On Wednesday morning — five days before the dawn of April, mind you — I found myself trying to scrape off a few inches of an interesting snow-ice-concrete combination from my car windows while dabbling in the time-tested art of extreme profanity at volumes most likely inappropriate for 6:15 a.m.

That would have been March 26, for those keeping score at home.

At this rate, I’m starting to worry about traffic conditions over Memorial Day weekend when we get blasted with another snow storm. Will people be settling down in igloos on the beach to enjoy fireworks on July 4?

This has been absurd. I feel somewhat-neutered here because I can’t find anybody to blame for the weather. I suppose I could make the leap and fire off some angry emails to Obama or Bush, since they get blamed for everything else in the world, but I fear my coarse language would raise an alert or two from the old Secret Service, and that could lead to some questions and body cavity searches I’m not comfortable facing, to be honest.

So, like the rest of you, I sit and stew. And shiver.

Logically, I know the better weather is coming soon. We’ve seen a few sneak previews of great weather over the past few weeks, only to see them get pulled back out of sight like a football before Charlie Brown could kick it. I’m beginning to wonder if a higher power has become frustrated with our infatuations with war, genocide, greed and reality television and is punishing us collectively through nature’s force.

If so, please stop. I’ll make a Facebook post or something asking people to quit what they’re doing. Anything you ask. Just please move this weather somewhere else. I’ve heard good things about Pittsburgh if you’re looking for a permanent place for the snow and cold.

Editor’s Note: The above statement was made by a fan of the Baltimore Ravens, and was not a statement about the city of Pittsburgh or the people who live there — nor does it reflect the editorial opinion of the Coastal Point. It was strictly about those good-for-nothing Steelers and those who root for them. Now, back to our story.

This has been the most persistent and stubborn winter I can remember. Oh, we’ve had winters with much worse snow, and some that have featured some absolutely frigid temperatures, but those were sprinters. This winter has been led by a marathoner, keeping a steady and consistent pace throughout, leaving us winded, red-faced and grumpy in its rearview mirror — like Bob Bertram when he has to climb the steps at work.

I’m ready to bid adieu to this winter. I will offer a salute of respect, a warm cup of coffee and maybe even a scarf if it will just agree to pack up its toys and go back to Alaska or wherever it came from in the first place. This is our time. It’s our turn to venture back outside, enjoy all that this community has to offer and embrace our natural surroundings.

Our “natural surroundings” do not include a remote control and a throw blanket, even though that’s been my typical background this winter.

I’m going to look at this most recent snow like it was our last one of the season. I’m taking off the winter gloves of despair and putting on the summer thong of hope.

But let’s be honest. “Thong” does not translate to “hope” for any of us when it involves yours truly.

And, I do apologize for that mental imagery.