Another wacky trip into the obtuse


Despite my rampant cynicism and me-against-the-world philosphy on life, I’m somewhat easily astounded.

Darin J. McCannDarin J. McCann

Though I get a small pond in the middle of my front yard every time it rains, I continue get pretty shocked each time I see the waves breaking over my driveway. I still shake my head over the nimrod ways of the owner of the Baltimore Orioles, even though my inner soul realizes that he is the designated pinhead of the American League East. And my heart perpetually skips a beat whenever Ryan Saxton is struggling for air at his desk during every Coastal Point deadline, even though he’s made it a weekly ritual since his arrival here.

And while there are plenty of things that cause me to scratch my head in wonder, there’s one general element that sends electrons through my body at a rate faster than anything else — the general depravity and stupidity of mankind.

Oh, it would be easy to ramble on about the nonsense behind wars that take the lives of young people, and the general reluctance by humanity to accept one another despite differences in race, religion or ethnicity, but it’s the “Springer Effect” that I’m focusing on today. You know, that biological trait within some people that causes them to behave in a way that makes “moronic” seem like a gross understatement.

For example, while playing around on the Internet the other day, I stumbled across an Associated Press story about a 25-year-old male in Kentucky who recently pled guilty to robbing a liquor store. Now, I understand that these things happen in life. Economic struggles or drug addiction can make people do things they know in their hearts to be morally and legally wrong, but they do it anyway with the concept of survival in their minds. But this cat takes the cake.

According to the story, Kasey Kazee reportedly covered his head in duct tape, save for a few holes for his mouth and eyes, and demanded money from the clerk, with the threat of a knife as his bargaining tool.

After receiving the money, Kazee reportedly left the store and was tackled by another employee in the parking lot. He was held there until police arrived, according to the story.

Obviously, Kazee would have had a hard time getting a not-guilty verdict on this case, particularly with the duct tape wrapped around his head at the time of his arrest, so his guilty plea makes sense. But here’s the rub — Kazee faces 10 years in prison under the terms of his plea agreement, and the store reported that their register came up $15 short.

That’s a risk of 10 years for $15 in profit. Actually, less than $15 when you consider the cost of the duct tape. I don’t have my MBA, but that doesn’t sound like a strong business risk.

Fear not, Mr. Kazee. You are not alone on the Isle of Imbeciles.

The Associated Press also reported on a domestic fight incident that resulted in a little more than police expected when they arrived on the scene. According to the story, police were called to the house to investigate a fight, possibly involving baseball bats. When they arrived, the 17-year-old son in the home was reportedly showing police damage to a large clock in the house when they noticed two marijuana plants growing in open sight. The boy reportedly tried to hide the plants, and police arrested him.

The mother, Lee Ann Roehl was then arrested after she allegedly threw one of the plants into the yard. After obtaining a search warrant, police returned and reportedly discovered a growing room and more marijuana.

Anybody have any hope of this family showing any kind of success over the next, say, 18 generations?

Another family reported on by the Associated Press has a little more hope for the future, even though they started out as rocky as imaginable.

Dennis Wielechowski, a dentist in suburban Pittsburgh, and his new bride, Christa Vattimo, held a reception at a hotel for about 150 guests. The couple had been married about a month earlier in the Bahamas, and this was their way of celebrating with loved ones who couldn’t make the tropical trip.

Apparently, the celebration got a bit too celebratory.

Police were called to the scene after other guests of the hotel reported seeing the pugilistic dentist drop his new bride to the floor with a karate kick in the hallway of the hotel. When onlookers came to her aid, the blushing bride reportedly attacked them physically, and threw metal planters at them. She apparently turned her anger on the groom, as well. Police reported that when they arrived, he was lying on the lobby floor and the bride was screaming.

Both parties were charged with simple assault, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct, and the bride faces an additional count of public intoxication. According to the story, she was released from jail in her wedding gown, and the Kicking Dentist was “sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe.”

I’d guess that photo won’t be hanging above the happy couple’s fireplace.