Relax Shaun...Tatupo's not alone

“A firearms instructor in southern Massachusetts has been assigned to other duties after his gun accidentally went off while he was teaching a class on weapons safety.”
Darin J. McCannDarin J. McCann

That was the lede paragraph in an Associated Press story I stumbled across this week while trying to dig up some ammo to verbally fire at our esteemed art director, Shaun Lambert.

See, Shaun’s a big fan of the Seattle Seahawks — particularly their star linebacker, Lofu Tatupo. A story came out recently concerning Tatupo being arrested for driving under the influence, and it had been a running conversation between Shaun and myself all week. It was reported that Tatupo was pulled over after he recklessly crossed traffic to pull into a McDonald’s.

According to police reports, Tatupo told the arresting officer that he had to pull over quickly because one of the female passengers in the car had to use the bathroom.

I could see that happening, actually. You’re driving down the road, and one of your passengers — who had been drinking all night — says she has to use the facilities right now. You panic, pull over as fast as you can and kind of cuss under your breath when you see the police officer come up with his lights blinking.

The problem was that the officer didn’t buy the story — particularly since Tatupo was parked in the drive-thru lane when he was approached.

As you could probably guess, I got a good laugh about that and quickly advised Shaun of the series of events, with my major motivation being another round of laughter as I saw the expression on Shaun’s face. I was a little disappointed when Shaun just broke into laughter, too.

Undaunted, I vowed to continue my searching of Tatupo on the Internet, hoping against hope to find that one damning episode in his life that would cause Shaun to shrivel up in anguish and ...

But I digress.

As is often the case with me, my search on Tatupo resulted in me getting distracted by one thing or another I scuffled across, and I found myself reading story after story of people who ... well, are not very intelligent.

For instance, there was that story at the top of my column about the firearms instructor accidentally discharging his weapon while giving a class.

Apparently, while teaching some Bristol County deputy sheriffs the proper technique when holstering one’s weapon, Maj. Donald Lamar morphed into Deputy Barney Fife and fired off a round that tore through his pants, but somehow missed his leg and foot.

It’s kind of amazing that some people can even tie their shoes, let alone be entrusted with a firearm.

And, whenever I feel the urge to locate a story on someone doing something stupid while drinking, I can always trust that I’ll find something that took place in my father’s adopted hometown of Harrisburg, Pa.

The Associated Press reported that an airline pilot was recently arrested in the woods wearing, well, “only flip-flops and a wristwatch.”

Apparently, the pilot and a flight attendant — both employees of Pinnacle Airlines Inc. — were at a diner outside Harrisburg when they got the notion to, well, seek mutual pleasure in the woods behind the diner.

Following complaints from neighbors about a naked man and intoxicated woman in the woods, police reportedly came to the scene and eventually caught the pilot, Jeffrey Bradford, hiding behind a shed.

Do you want to know just how the police found Bradford?

They used a helicopter with heat-seeking equipment.

And, we’re back.

At this point, I realized that I would no longer be searching for information on Shaun’s favorite player. I was caught up in the mental haze and uncertainty inherent in some people that cause them to do just idiotic things. It didn’t take me long to come across a story concerning marijuana, M&Ms and a gas station.

A 28-year-old man in New Zealand approached the counter at a gas station with two packs of M&Ms and a bag of potato chips, according to a Reuters story. He realized at that point that he had no money to actually pay for his snacks, so he offered the person behind the counter some marijuana as trade — think of it as a bartering system on the Jerry Springer show.

The man’s problem — well, despite being rebuffed in his efforts to champion a new line of green currency — is that the person standing behind him in line was a police officer.

The story did not say whether or not the officer accidentally fired his weapon during the arrest.