I knew it!
Oh, everyone had a field day with me when I said Leviathan and his merry gang of raccoons that hang out behind Coastal Point headquarters was forming a plot to take over the world through a strategy of brilliant military maneuvers and straight gangland techniques.
Yes, you all laughed at me. You snickered when I mentioned how Leviathan and I were engaging in staredowns near the Dumpster late at night, and you guffawed when I said there was a look in his eyes that told me this dude was serious. In fact, let’s recap ...
I received a jigsaw puzzle from an anonymous reader that, when put together, formed a picture of a raccoon with a handwritten letter from Leviathan on the back of it. Members of this very staff put a picture of a raccoon on my computer that resembled a movie advertisement when I turned on my screen one day — with this catchy text: “Leviathan: Part Deux. This film has not yet been rated by the powers that be at the Coastal Point. The creators will not be responsible for any health issues that stem from the viewing of this advertisement.”
I had one reader call in a high-pitched voice telling me that he was Leviathan, and that by publicizing his existence, I was putting his grand plans at risk. Just the other day I received a raccoon pen at my desk from a reader.
Oh, all of you scoffed when I told of the enormous creature that lingered behind our office. But who’s laughing now, America?
My only problem was that I underestimated Leviathan’s reach. I figured he’d handle his assault by claiming this area first for the fuzzy, filthy creatures he represents, assimilate followers from other areas in the geographic region who are spurred by his success and branch out from his strategic headquarters. It seems, that in reality, he was leading a group of sleeper cell raccoons across the country. Think I’m kidding? Here’s a sampling from an Associated Press story that took place in Olympia, Wa. last week:
“A fierce group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, attacked a small dog and bitten at least one pet owner who had to get rabies shots, residents of Olympia say.”
One resident of the town said she carries an iron pipe with her when she goes outside after being bitten by raccoons when she tried to pull three of them off her cat, according to the story. And Tamara Keeton, who started a raccoon watch with a friend after a neighborhood meeting? Oh, Tamara is my favorite. Let’s get a taste of her comments ...
“It’s a new breed,” Keeton was quoted as saying about the raccoon pack in the story. “They’re urban raccoons, and they’re not afraid.”
It couldn’t have been stated any more eloquently than that. Yes, these ... what the heck does that mean, anyway? Urban raccoons? What, do they buy pizza by the slice and pitch pennies in alleyways?
Or, maybe, just maybe, Keeton was alluding to my premise several months ago in this very space — the raccoons have formed a gang, and Leviathan is the leader of all their furry sets.
Need more proof of the gang mentality being practiced in Olympia? According to reports, five raccoons tried to drag off a small dog one day. In another instance, residents in the gang-plagued community hired a trapper to try to round up some of the masked miscreants, but he was only able to secure one in six weeks — no doubt thanks to a surveillance technique utilized by many gangs where the younger members of the species stake out corners and alert the bad guys if “The Man” is coming. The trapper theorized that raccoons teach their young how to avoid traps. He later said, “They are in command up there.”
Well, Mr. Fancy Pants Trapper Guy, I could have told you this was coming months ago. From the first time I stared into Leviathan’s black eyes, to when he advanced to robbing Sam Harvey for his coffee money, I knew this Leviathan character was evil personified.
And I sensed he had friends.
It’s time we unite. We must all stand together and put an end to this raccoon thuggery before it really gets off the ground in our own back yards. We must be vigilant. We must be strong. We must make tops optional on our public beaches for beautiful young tanned women ...
But I digress.
The time for action is now, people. Help me help you.