We are living in a time of great uncertainty and turmoil. War rages on in the Middle East, our economy is in a mess like no other time in recent memory and reality television continues to pollute our airwaves.
Times like this demand a strong hand, clear vision and an eye on the future. We need, and deserve, a leader who is not beholden to lobbyists or party-line agendas, and can make clear decisions based on the needs of the American people.
With that being said, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring as a write-in candidate for the office of President of the United States of America.
This is not a decision I’ve taken lightly. Throughout my years as a journalist I have witnessed the toll on politicians and officials on basically every level of government, and I understand that there is a tough road ahead. Thankfully, I have learned from their lead to use random terms like “there is a tough road ahead” and “we’re studying every angle of that problem” and “just leave the money in an unmarked envelope on the bureau.”
Actually, that last one came from somewhere else. I guess with all the excitement about my upcoming...
But I digress.
And it is my pleasure to announce that former Coastal Point reporter Sam Harvey has agreed to partner with me on this venture as my vice president. This is obviously not a situation where I’m picking a guy to woo the woman vote or to stash away in a closet in case something happens to me. No, Sam will be an integral part of the team, and will advise me on issues like foreign policy, health care reform and economic stimulus packages. I am also going to approve his somewhat unusual request to be Official Bikini Inspector of the United States of America.
Hey, I believe in putting people in positions where they are likely to succeed.
I will reveal the rest of my cabinet positions in coming columns before the general election, so the American people can have all the available information before they cast their votes.
What I’m going to give you today is a basic overlay of my takes on some current issues, and provide you a glimpse at my plans to improve what is wrong with this nation today, and to embrace the many things that are so right.
For starters, we’re not that far off from being the model nation. People still have the opportunity to succeed and grow in this nation if they are willing to put in the work and are provided the opportunity. So, what I want to do is provide more opportunities for more people.
Just wanted to show the voters that I know how to make a blanket statement without providing any actual information to follow it up — see, I’m already getting the hang of this political stuff.
As for our economy, well, let’s face it, things aren’t so good right now. We’re facing a deficit of somewhere between 37 cents and $765 googleyzillion, depending on whose numbers you’re looking at, and we’re just not bringing in enough cash to fund what we’re doing. Add to that equation the money being spent on various wars, bailouts of financial institutions and coloring books for our present leadership, and it’s easy to see why things have gotten a bit out of control.
So, here’s what we do: My first step is to boost up the number of executions in this country, and to put them on pay-per-view. For $49.99, once a month, viewers can tune in to see 300 death row inmates dropped off on an island with various weapons hidden around the set. To satisfy the public’s interest in gore and reality television, we’ll give them the ultimate show, and make a little coin in the process. The last survivor will be granted a stay of execution, and will be released immediately — into a combat unit overseas, filled with more of his or her kind.
The second plan is to make online poker a government entity. We can regulate it to ensure that minors are not gambling, and we can monitor if the site is being used to launder money for domestic criminals or international terrorists. State governments have been profiting from people’s gambling addictions through slots and other gaming for years, so let’s jump on this gravy train while we can.
Plus, I really, really like playing poker.
It looks like we’ve run out of time this week, but we’ll be back to provide more insight on our platform in coming weeks.
McCann-Harvey 2008. It has a nice ring, doesn’t it?