Now that the McCann-Harvey campaign is in full gear, and our supporters number somewhere between three and 74 million strong (depending on which scientific poll you believe), we’ve decided to continue our efforts of full disclosure leading up to the election.
See, Sam and I figured we’d buck the trend and actually tell the voters our plans before they make their decisions. Last week, we offered a few ideas on how to generate some money for the nation, and this week we decided to let the proverbial cat out of the bag regarding some of our cabinet appointments — assuming the good people of America find it in their hearts to elect us to serve this great nation.
We’ll start with the position of Secretary of State, because we see it as the face of our administration to many of the other nations around the world. This will be the individual we want to represent our country in conversations with other world leaders when Sam and I are busy with domestic issues or a really good poker game. The person has to be strong, good with people and equally comfortable at formal White House dinners and yard sales in Sri Lanka.
The no-brainer choice is Coastal Point Publisher Susan Lyons.
Susan has more than two decades of experience in sales, and has had to cool down more than a few tense moments in her role of publisher. She’s had to meet with political figures, business leaders and various repercussions from smart-aleck columns run in the Coastal Point. She is also internationally reknowned for her skills in the yard sale arena, and I’ve personally seen her in action on the international trail in Ireland — cool as a cucumber with a bottle of Bailey’s in her hand.
In this time of domestic insecurity, I have taken the position of Secretary of Interior as one of great importance. I need a person who can look through the muddle and find clear answers, stand tall as an iconic figure of strength in the face of adversity, and someone who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty.
Unable to find that particular person, we’ve decided to go with Bob Bertram.
Bob is a can-do guy. He loves this nation dearly, but recognizes the flaws that keep us from running in full gear. He’s smart. He’s creative. He wears clogs.
Can we really ask for more from our Secretary of Interior?
As for the position of Secretary of Defense ... well, this gets tricky. We are in a time of war — like it or not, that’s where we are right now, and we need to deal with it. I’m against a full-scale withdrawal of our troops from Iraq until that nation’s prepared to at least try to handle matters themselves, but I’m also very tired of seeing our boys over there. We need someone in this position that I know will do what is necessary, but won’t do anything unnecessary.
In short, I want a Secretary of Defense who wants to avoid war at all costs, but is always prepared in case it’s needed.
Ladies and gentlemen, I offer Carolyn “Smoke” Fitz.
First off, she’s nicknamed Smoke. That’s a cool name for a Secretary of Defense, huh? There’s also the “fear” factor. She scares me. There, I said it. That girl scares the tar out of me.
But she’s also a master at preparation, and will make sure that we go to war with all the people, supplies and highlighters we could ever use.
And, again, she scares me.
We’ve decided to think a little bit out of the box on this next appointment, and have selected former Bethany Beach Town Council Member Harry Steele to serve as Press Secretary.
Harry is a man of great integrity and honor ... oh, heck, who am I kidding? Harry makes me laugh a lot, and is a great golf partner. I know that he gets passionate about his politics and will keep those bloodhound news reporters busy with his jokes and takes on life. Man, the media drives me crazy. All those leaches want to do is build people up with the express purpose of crashing them to ...
But I digress.
We still have plenty of cabinet positions to fill, and it is our hope that we’ll be able to share those with you in coming weeks. We’ll also be unveiling our plans to improve the banking industry, boost the real estate market and regulate the music industry to make CDs easier to open.
These are exciting times we live in, but not an era without real problems ahead. We trust that you will cast your ballot for McCann-Harvey and, in turn, put your trust in America.