We’re behind now, but still time


Well, my presidential campaign marches on as we near November. Currently, we’re lagging a little bit in the polls, as we seem to be trailing Obama, McCain, Nader, Michael Phelps, the guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld and Cap’n Crunch. Undeterred, we will continue our mission of spreading our message to the masses.

So, what exactly is our mission, you might ask? Well, in short, we want to give government back to the people (stop me if you’ve heard this before). We want to put our tax dollars to good use (still waiting to be stopped), amp up our efforts with global diplomacy (still nothing???) and take care of America first (is anybody even still reading this trite?).

Are these lofty goals? You bet. But this is the United States of America, and we are supposed to have high standards and goals. If we want to presume the role of world leader, then it is our obligation to lead the world through smart governmental policy, a strong domestic economy and the willingness to compromise with other nations when it benefits both parties. That, and we need a strong military that can both defend our borders and keep others in line with the sheer magnitude of our armed forces.

Plus, I think it would be really cool to give one of those presidential speeches in front of adoring troops — and the picture would look better if we have a lot of them.

You might ask how I hope to achieve these goals. Well, that’s your right. But, as a candidate for the office of President of the United States of America, I too have rights. Like, well, I have the right to skirt right past those questions, and move on to something I prefer more.

Like, let’s talk about the Baltimore Ravens. You really have to kind of like their future, with young players like Joe Flacco, Ray Rice and Haloti Ngata. I know they’re getting older in some areas, but it seems they’re replenishing the talent with a new wave of stars ...

Sorry. My advisors just told me that nobody is listening anymore. I’ll get back to those very pressing questions from before.

What was the first one? Right. My favorite color. Well, I am color blind, so my first instinct is to go with your basic gray, however, there are moments when some colors jump out to me, such as the raging texture of a magnificent sunset or the green field of a baseball diamond when you first walk through that tunnel and the entire scene just explodes before your eyes like the first time...

What? Sorry. My advisors are telling me to stop answering these questions for now, and move on to more cabinet positions to provide real information to the voters of this great country.

First off, let’s look at the position for the Department of Housing and Urban Development. This is a department that I want to be led by a can-do person who is not political by nature, but actually understands the situations he or she might face. With no hesitation, I’ve decided to split this office between two people — Mark Hardt and Frank Miranda.

Yeah, they’re our landlords. Had to throw them a bone.

My next important announcement is that of the position of secretary of transportation. The first thought to go through my head was that I wanted to pick a person from the Delaware Department of Transportation (DelDOT). You know, grab someone with experience in the mechanisms of governmental transportation issues, as well as a Delaware person.

But, well, this is DelDOT. Couldn’t find anyone I wanted.

So, I decided to go with Chris Allen. For starters, Chris drives a lot in her roles as advertising consultant and Realtors, so she knows roads, people. Can she grab onto the nuances of air travel, ships and railroads, as well?

I’d guess she can. She’s a pretty sharp cookie, and, well, I’ve seen some of the people who have held this position in the past. Chris can handle it.

I really wanted to pick an attorney general that would act fairly and without prejudice, as well as use a strong hand in enforcing our laws. I needed someone with integrity and honor, with strength and power.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Jim Bunting.

Watch the football team he coaches at Indian River High School. They play with discipline. They leave no stone unturned in preparation. They play in a way that should make all of us proud to have them represent this community.

Well, we’re getting there with our cabinet. Stay tuned for the rest of our nominees in coming weeks.