Well, my fellow Americans, this is it. The last chance for me to speak directly to the voters before Tuesday’s general election, and my final opportunity to convince you to vote for Sam Harvey and me to lead this nation to a new beginning.
Our road is not an easy one to travel. Our budget for this campaign was about six dollars, and we spent that on two bags of chips and an off-brand 2-liter soda for one of our strategy sessions. We do not have the mechanisms of a strong political party to champion our cause, and our name recognition is, well, lacking a bit outside a 10-mile radius in Sussex County.
To be honest, it’s not all that strong within that radius.
Regardless, we entered this race with the idea of providing discriminating voters another choice — a ticket that bases its beliefs and opinions on what we personally believe is best for this nation as a whole, as opposed to regurgitating the ideas set forth by a governing party that we must serve in order to collect their all-too-important funds. Would we take money if offered? I believe I can speak for Sam when I emphatically say yes. In fact, we’re open to bribes of any sort at this point, and will listen to ...
But I digress.
No, what we’re doing here is running strictly on the issues. We want the voting public to see where we stand, digest the different stances on these issues by the different candidates and make an informed choice. So, without further ado, here we go:
• The nation’s economy is in shambles. The dollar is week, corporations are crumbling and Americans just aren’t spending money — largely because we have none. So, where do we go? Do we bail out the corporations to restore order, and keep the confidence of consumers? Do we let them sink and put the money somewhere else? Do we tweak interest rates and hope that settles matters on its own?
Well, Sam and I are of a different opinion. It’s our belief that to rebuild a strong economy in this nation, we need to build from the ground up first. This is the United States of America, which means we are a collection of states working toward the common goal of taking care of all our citizens. We pledge to cut some of the fat in the federal government and give that money to the states. There will be one federal employee per state who works hand-in-hand with the respective governors to insure the money is being spent on the people — however that governor sees fit. If we allow the states to decide what would best improve the quality of life for its citizens, we believe individual and unique needs will be handled better than having some clown in Washington make the decisions.
• The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are central on many Americans’ minds, and Sam and I are no different.
It’s complicated, but we’ll give you the nuts and bolts of what we want to achieve. First off, setting a timetable for withdrawal does not make a lot of sense — particularly a public timetable. If you were an insurgent, and wanted to take control of these regions, wouldn’t you just hide away until you knew we’d be leaving and then take control?
My plan includes bringing in a group of aggressive generals, formulating a plan to sweep into the tribal regions of Pakistan and grabbing the people we want. I’m sorry if we tick off Pakistan, but they are basically harboring terrorists. Maybe it’s time they’re worried about ticking us off instead.
As for Iraq, well, we have a pretty clever idea. Let’s drop in a Wal-Mart, a few dozen McDonald’s and a Disney World. Who could ever hate a nation that provides that kind of American innovation? The people would go crazy for the opportunity to shop, chow and play ...
Nah, that would just irritate them more, huh?
• The death penalty always brings up emotions. For the record, I’m for it. I don’t believe it’s a deterrent to prevent people from committing crimes because bad guys don’t often look into the consequences of their actions. But it’s certainly a deterrent from them doing it again to someone else.
I’ve heard the arguments against the death penalty, and I understand them and certainly respect people for feeling differently. But if it was my child or loved one that was the victim, those arguments would hold little weight.
• Abortion is another one of those...
Nope. Not touching that one.
There are many other issues we’d like to discuss, but little space left to do it. So let’s just pop out some thoughts quickly.
We are against a fence guarding our border, people being attacked for saying Merry Christmas on the streets, and FEMA — yeah, the entire organization.
We are for health care being made available to every person through retired doctors and dentists who are subsidized by the states and national fundraising efforts, topless bars and a ban on reality television programming featuring a bunch of nimrods who can’t keep a regular job in the real world.
We hope we can count on your votes. Or not. Just vote!