Well, the elections are behind us and we can now go about the business of living our normal lives. For some, that means putting down the signs and getting back to regular chores. For others, that could mean getting over their respective candidates winning or losing and moving on to new ventures.
And, for others, it simply means reverting back to idiocy.
Those are our main characters this week — the people who do things so completely insipid that it instantly makes the rest of us feel more smart.
For instance, let’s take a trip to lovely New England. My favorite experience from when I lived in New England was fall. The changing leaves were positively breathtaking, and the weather was perfect for putting on a sweater and light jacket and just enjoying the day.
However, there was a man in New Hampshire recently whose ignorance could have felled those awe-inspiring leaves in a hurry.
According to police in Portsmouth, N.H., a man handed over his license and registration to police at a sobriety checkpoint — then proceeded to peel out and speed away, almost hitting an officer, according to an Associated Press story. Police eventually pulled over the 32-year-old driver and reportedly found marijuana in his car.
So, let me get this straight. You hand over your identification, and then take off to avoid being caught. Did he think he’d make a clean getaway? Was he just hoping to get far enough away to dump the marijuana and avoid the drug charges? Was he simply bounced around on his head while he was an infant?
Look, I’m no master at getting away with things. My mother, teachers, coaches or local law enforcement officials seemed to catch me every single time I did anything as a young man. And, if they didn’t, my father was an expert at sitting me down from time to time, and saying, “I just got off the phone. Is there something you want to tell me?”
And, inevitably, I would break on things he had no idea about — each and every time.
But my auspicious powers of escape aside, even I would never had handed my identification to someone I was hoping to keep my identity a secret from. Didn’t this guy ever meet a girl at a bar? Never give your real name. I always used Dave Long as my code name, if for no other reason, I...
But I digress.
Let’s stay in New England for a moment, but we’ll venture this time to Massachusetts.
According to another offering by the Associated Press, a 50-year-old man in Lawrence was arrested by police after they literally caught him red-handed. John Tripp allegedly robbed a bank, and walked out with a bag of money and a dye pack that was unsuspectingly dropped into the bag by bank employees. He was later apprehended by police who saw him with red dye on his hands.
Hasn’t this guy ever seen a movie? They always use dye packs! Bring gloves.
Their article never mentioned if Tripp wrote his burglary note on the back of his own bank statement or business card, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt — for some reason.
Let’s move from New England to America’s heartland — the Midwest. An Associated Press Story reports that police responded to a burglary at the home of a 28-year-old man in Sheboygan, Wis.
Say that with me — Sheboygan. Man, that’s a fun word.
Apparently, police discovered a marijuana pipe sitting in clear view in the man’s house when they arrived, and saw marijuana stems and seeds in the living room. They returned later with a warrant, and police reportedly found additional marijuana and a scale for marijuana packaging.
Do I even need a cute little comment for this one?
Let’s move on to that political hotbed of Florida for our last example of Americans reverting to stupidity following the election.
Another AP story reports that police arrested a Connecticut man (we just can’t get away from New England today) after he tried to steal communion wafers during a Catholic church service in Jensen Beach.
The story reports that John Samuel Ricci attempted to swipe a handful of communion wafers from the priest during communion services on Sunday. The Stuart News reported that “six or seven” parishioners held the man down until police arrived on the scene.
Ricci was charged with two counts of simple battery, theft and disruption of a religious assembly.
I’m Catholic. Grew up in the church, and went to Catholic school. I take communion seriously. However, what was he thinking trying to steal communion wafers? Was he looking for something that would stick to the roof of his mouth?
That one, I’ll never understand.