A letter to the big guy

Dear Santa,

I’ve been pretty good this year, all things considered. Sure, there was that rather unfortunate incident that involved the fire department, three chickens and a Bunsen burner — but nobody really got hurt, and I’m told the chickens are progressing very well with their therapy. And, yes, I admit to drinking enough Irish whiskey over the past year to take down a Hilton sister and the Irish rugby squad, but, you have to admit, even you were laughing when Shaun Lambert and I were streaking down Route 26 that night and...

But I digress.

Santa, um, Mr. Claus, the reason I’m writing you this letter is because I have finally put together my Christmas list for this year. I know, I know. I’m not giving you and your sweatshop of elves much time to take care of this, but, hey, here we are. I suggest you waste no time reading this and get your boys to work.

For starters, I’d really like to see people keep their homes this holiday. I understand that the banks need their money, and I appreciate the situation they’re in right now. I’m not interested in pointing fingers or anything of that nature, but I’d really like it if you could pull some strings and keep people in their warm homes with their families during the holiday season. Can you handle that?

I really want a truck. A big one. Ooh, and it has to have a horn that works!

I’d like to see the Ocean View Town Council, well, stop. It’s embarrassing. It’s non-productive. It’s divisive. And it’s silly. Could you bring us an entire new council for Christmas? Please?

Santa, while you’re filling up your magic bag of goodies, can you throw in a little something extra for the men and women in our armed forces overseas? I’ve been there, Santa. There’s no lonelier feeling than being away from your family and loved ones during the holidays, and I just think they could use a little of your Christmas magic. Don’t do anything too heavy for the infantry grunts, though — they have to carry that stuff!

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar, please. You know why.

Could you also make sure that the people in this office and their families have great holidays? I get the gift of working with these people, and I know how hard they work, and how much effort they provide to try to give people a really good product. Can you take care of them a little bit extra this year?

Also, when you’re flying around Colorado, can you throw a few extra gifts under my sister’s tree? She’s got two sons with a combined list longer than “War and Peace” — and more expensive than our space program.

Not to sound too greedy or anything, but how about dropping off a little Jameson, Tullamore Dew or Red Breast at my house? I don’t understand what happened, but all my good Irish whiskey seems to be gone.

I would really appreciate it if you could deliver a few smiles over to the Lyons’ house this year, too. That’s a nice family, Santa. Hook’em up, if you can.

Another item I’m looking for this Christmas is another vote or two to join George Cole’s voice on Sussex County Council. I like George. He’s a funny guy, and very committed to what he does. I’d like to see him get voted down 3-2 on issues concerning our community rather than always go down 4-1.

Two words, Santa — “flat” “screen.” I’m dying to put a nice television in my bathroom because, well, I’m there a lot.

Santa, can you drop off a few elves to help out on the road projects? We all want the roads fixed, and we’re grateful they weren’t being worked on during the crazy summer months, but I feel like I’m wearing out my brakes every time I make a turn because there’s another project being done. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but if you can get these jobs done a little more quickly, a lot of us would really appreciate it.

Swedish female volleyball team. I’d like one of them, please.

I think that pretty much sums up my list, Santa. As I’ve said, I’ve been fairly good this year, and would appreciate any and all you can do for me on the above list — because, well, I’m not all that convinced I’ll be good over the next year. I better get what I can now.

Your friend,