My stomach beat out my head


The brave adventurer deftly maneuvered his way past treacherous hazard after treacherous hazard. Surely, fear and apprehension filled his mind as he found himself deeper in the abyss, but he was single-minded in focus — and would not be denied his singular and powerful goal.

Coastal Point • File Photo

Big Mac. I badly needed a Big Mac.

I’ve been depriving myself of many of life’s guilty pleasures as I’ve set upon a path of losing weight, improving my health and basically taking some of the pressure off my balky knees. But there was no getting around it the other night — I needed a Big Mac, and I needed one post-haste.

I knew it probably wouldn’t be easy. First off, I’m a terrible driver, and the distraction created by my Big Mac craving was not going to improve my aptitude. Second, I was fully aware that the roads were a little more occupied than they are in, say, November, so there would be obstacles for me to deal with on my quest.

But I needed two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun.

My first step was to turn left out of the parking lot at work. Now, many of you know that turning left on Route 26 during the season is a little like sticking your head in a tank of water and bobbing for crabs — you have to wait for just the right moment, or you’re probably going to end up with a bit of a boo-boo.

So I waited.

And waited.

And, yes, I waited some more.

Finally, I saw my opportunity. I took another look to the left, just to make sure it was clear, and then another one to the right...

Missed my chance.

As the sun began to set, and my gas tank indicator continued to creep to the empty side of life, I finally made my move and got onto the fast-paced world of Route 26. At a steady 4 m.p.h. I moved with traffic to the next red light. It turned green and my heart began to race with anticipation, until I noticed that one of the cars in front of me was attempting to turn left. The racing in my heart was quickly replaced by palpitations as my pulse quickened and the last seven hairs on my head joined their brethren and vanished into thin air.

The light turned red again.

As did my face.

I was becoming amused by the person in the car behind me as she began to bang her head in frustration against her steering wheel. Tiny noises came from her vehicle as her forehead would occassionally bump the horn, and I could clearly see the imprint of her car manufacturer’s logo on her head.

It wasn’t until the next day at work that I realized who that driver was, when Beth Long came in with the faint remains of a Toyota logo featured prominently on her person.

You know, it’s always interesting to work with Beth. You never know when you come to work if she’ll be sitting at her desk staring at you with...

But I digress. Way too many directions to take that one.

The light turned green again and our caravan slowly began making its way down Route 26 once more. I could feel the wind rush through my scalp as we sped up to a cool 9 m.p.h. and I was starting to feel pretty good about things until my outstanding peripheral vision caught something to the right of me. I was being passed!

By an elderly lady walking down the side of the road. Using a walker. With three legs.

I cursed DelDOT and their alleged “Route 26 improvement project” as the lady pulled away from me and out of sight down the road, turned off my radio and mentally imprisoned my mind in a dark world of anger and resentment. My brain is usually a happy place filled with images of flopped straights and dancing panda bears, but it was replaced by visions of busted flush draws and polar bears gnawing at my Big Mac as I idly sat in traffic.

We eventually made our way to Route 1, and things seemed to open up at that point. I found myself driving the speed limit as I neared my destination and a search ensued for a napkin or something to control the drool escaping my mouth as I got ever closer to my Big Mac.

Yes, life was good, and I would soon find myself tearing into two all-beef patties, special sauce, lett...

Wow, what a line at the drive-thru.

Fortunately, it moved pretty quickly and I was soon at the magical little box that takes my order. I was giddy with anticipation, as that guilty little pleasure was soon to be mine.

If only I had brought my wallet.