During one of my daily voyages through the wild frontier of the Internet, I stumbled across an Associated Press story that made me stop mid-surf. That in itself is not odd, in that I tend to get sidetracked by some strange things on the Web, but this one grabbed me right away with the headline — “Oregon man gets probation for stabbing ex’s fish.”
Well, consider me intrigued.
A paragraph into the article, I learned that the more important part of the story was that the man was not only charged with animal abuse, but also domestic violence assault for allegedly shoving his girlfriend against a wall, grabbing her hair and tossing her against a bathtub after she had decided to end the relationship.
Already I hated this guy.
But, according to the story, the woman fled from the scene and returned to her house with a police officer. They discovered her bright purple betta fish named DeLorean on her wood floor with a knife through it.
The prosecutor told the judge that the victim planned to get a tattoo of the fish, and wanted the suspect to pay for it. The judge denied that request, sentenced the man to two years probation, a psychological evaluation and community service after he pleaded guilty on Tuesday.
“He is absolutely mortified and ashamed about what he did to the fish,” said the man’s attorney.
Maybe I missed something here. I’m all for prosecuting people harshly for any kind of animal cruelty, but didn’t the fact that he assaulted this woman have any importance, and shouldn’t it have resulted in more than probation? Fishy, fishy, fishy.
But, then again, people continue to astound me on a fairly regular basis. While skimming through other stories from the Associated Press, I came across the story of a Michigan woman who realized that her house had been broken into, and her personal property stolen. As many of us would do under those circumstances, she notified police and told them of the crime.
Oh, did I mention that the property stolen was her marijuana plants?
She told police that the drug was for personal use, but police said she didn’t have a medicinal marijuana card. She was subsequently booked on charges of manufacturing and delivering marijuana.
I’m guessing her chances of retrieving her stolen property are now up in smoke.
But that wasn’t the only case of stolen property I came across in my virtual travels. Apparently, police in Louisiana are searching for a man who stole 11 cases of beer from a convenience store. According to a statement by police, the man went into the store Sunday night and grabbed seven cases of beer. He then returned and stole four more cases.
He walked out of a store holding seven cases of beer? At once? He obviously wasn’t one of the guys who helped me move into my house. Drink seven cases, sure. Carry that much? No chance.
A Reuters piece on the latest model to grace the cover of Playboy also took a piece of my attention. Apparently, Marge Simpson — of “The Simpsons” fame — is the November covergirl.
“It had never been done, and we thought it would be kind of hip, cool and unusual,” said Scott Flanders, the chief executive of Playboy Enterprises.
There was no mention in the story if Flanders was related to Ned Flanders, the neighbor of the Simpsons in the show who constantly pops up in their kitchen window. I mean, that would make a lot of sense if Flanders was some kind of creepy Peeping Tom who...
But I digress.
While a lot of this stuff seems somewhat odd, I’m not sure anything this past week tops the activities of Cody Plant of Texas.
The owner of a vacant house in Houston reportedly called police after he heard voices coming from inside. When police responded, according to an AP story, they found Plant and another man in a closet. They soon discovered that Plant was snoring, and the other man was not.
The other man was, well, dead.
Plant was charged with drug offenses. The other, well, was not.