Weinermobile tough act to follow


I’m easily distracted.
Coastal Point

Put a shiny object in front of me, and everything else in the world temporarily ceases to exist. Have a conversation with me while the television is on in the background, and chances are that I’m far more aware of what’s happening on the screen than what you’re saying. Take me to a mall, and chances are that I’m paying much more attention to the kid who is perilously close to dropping his soda than what I came there for in the first place.

So you can understand how my mind went on temporary lock-down when I stumbled across this headline on the UPI Web site:

“Weinermobile visits retirement community”

At first glance I thought my buddy Rusty Campbell was driving around town visiting people, but a closer look at the story informed me that the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile showed up at a Florida retirement community to give a ride to a woman who won a contest by penning an answer to the age old philosophical hypothetical, “If I could ride shotbun in the Weinermobile.” The woman brought along several friends on her dream ride, and they visited Ocala’s downtown square and other attractions.

See how that can get a guy off track? Was that her answer? She’d go downtown with a couple friends and see some attractions? Please. That’s not fun. And trust me people, I know fun. For instance, if I could ride shotbun in the Weinermobile, I would go pick up Susan Lyons on a Saturday morning and go hit the yard sales in it. I would find a vegetarian event and park outside with a sign that read “free samples.” I would just randomly join funeral processions of strangers and look silently ahead while sporting dark glasses. I would have the driver pull up next to hot rods at red lights and start revving the engine.

Of course, there are probably people who would think I’m overcompensating for something or another, so ...

Yeah, I’ll just digress now. It’s safer.

Eventually, I moved on from that story and immediately saw another headline that quickly took all of my attention.

“Man uses banjo to stop attacker”

By playing it? That would be enough for me to stop attacking somebody. But, no, this story is way more involved than that.

The UPI reported that two 21-year-old Kansas men were having an argument about a band while they were consuming a few adult beverages. One man allegedly grabbed a knife and a frying pan in an effort to arm himself like something he must have read in a Rachel Ray survival guide book and attacked the other man. At that point, the victim used the banjo to strike the alleged attacker in the head, according to police reports.

I can’t really strum up enough ...

Honestly, I can’t even finish that joke without embarrassing myself. I’m going back to work on my Weinermobile essay.