You heard it here first ...again


Through new technology obtained by the Coastal Point, we were able to obtain recordings of the discussions by the International Olympic Committee prior to the final vote that led to the organization’s decision to select London as the site for the 2012 Summer Olympic Games. Individuals’ names have not been revealed to protect the sanctity of the decision-making process.

“Look, New York is a great place, but the open hostility a big part of the world holds right now to the U.S. makes the security there a nightmare. What do you think about Paris?”

“Paris is great. I mean, that steamy videotape of her and her boyfriend was a little over the top, but you have to admire her ...”

“Not Paris Hilton, nimrod. Paris, France. They sent us that cool video with President Jacques Chirac telling us that we can all trust the French ... Hey, what are you laughing at over there?”

“Trust the French? To do what, be rude to us and tell us how we’re all selfish, while all along they treat showers like ...”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s get away from stereotypes here. You never know where that sneaky reporter Sam Harvey is lurking with that fancy new recorder of his. Besides, we’re still facing all that heat for taking bribes in our previous awardings of Olympic sites. Let’s just be rational and adult here. What do you guys think of Moscow?”

“Come on guys, talk this out. Moscow is a city that could really use a worldwide lift, and they’ve been the only ones really pushing how much they’d also like to host the Paralympic Games. They need this, and they’ve become a huge melting pot for different cultures.”

“That’s not funny. You guys can blow it out your ...”

“Hey, what about Madrid? That’s a beautiful city, and they really had to face a lot of adversity in that city after the bombing ...”

“Security risk.”

“Let me finish. It’s a romantic old city of scenery and Hemingway prose ...”

“Security risk.”

“I’ve about had it with you and your ‘security risk’ talk. It’s the Olympics. Security will be at an all-time high, plus they have the beautiful venues for competition and ...”

“Security risk.”

“Look, you two, cut it out. All conversation should focus on New York. Those people had to overcome a ridiculous amount of heartache in 2001 and nobody does anything bigger than New York.”

“Fine, let’s consider New York again. Who was in the fancy video they sent us to pitch their case?”

“Let’s see. Well, there was Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Dan Doctoroff, Sen. Hillary Clint...”

“Security risk.”

“Nobody will do security better than New York. They have all the police anybody could ask for, and more money than anyone. How is New York such a security risk?”

“Hillary Clinton.”

“Fair enough.”

“Guys, I think we’re missing the big picture here. Every televised Olympics has basically turned into a giant commercial for the host city. These wussy, over-the-hill announcers get dusted off from where they’ve been shelved for four years and spend weeks doing people stories on the city. The Games get lost. We need a place that won’t steal away from the Games.”

“London.”

“You bet. What are these doofuses going to say? ‘London ... it sure is rainy today. And ... well, that guy with the spiked green hair is kind of neato.’ The attention will all be on the athletes and the Games.”

“You might be onto something there. There’s only so much you can say about pasty people with bad teeth ...”

“I warned you about that stereotyping stuff. Knock it off. London might not be so bad. It has ‘old,’ it has ‘new.’ There’s water and giant stadiums. This might be the ticket.”

“Hey, guys, remember that time we were in Salt Lake City and were collecting all those gifts and ...”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know where you’re going with this — ‘But I digress.’ Why don’t you get your own material?”

“I love that guy.”

“You’re a moron. But back to the matter at hand, are we set on London? We’ll divide up a couple of our votes to make it look like it was a really tough decision, then we’ll make our announcement. Hey, did you hear that?”

“It’s Sam Harvey, hiding in the air ducts with that recorder of his! How did he get in here?”

“Security risk.”