This has become an annual trek into the absurd.
It’s not that I don’t go into these with the best of intentions. No, no, no. Each and every year I take stock of who I am as a person and I make a list of resolutions that I sincerely hope I will take on with enough verve to make substantial, life-altering changes. At the end of the day, I want to make myself a better person — one with more character, and less midsection.
Thus, I find myself making resolutions.
And, yes, I’ve heard the naysayers over the years: “Why is Jan. 1 any different than any other day? Why put off making changes if you feel so strongly about making them?”
Well, for two reasons, now that you ask. The first is that I need a column idea for this week every year. And the second is because I hate your stupid face for pointing out that I could make these changes any time I felt motivated.
• I guess my first resolution of the year is to not get annoyed with people when they point out my shortcomings and reacting by telling them I hate their stupid faces. I can come up with something more creative than that.
• I resolve to settle on the “now” instead of focusing on the “then.” It’s been a bad habit of mine over the years to let things fester, and it’s just not the most productive way to tackle life. It’s vital to learn why things went well or poorly, but at some point you have to just use that information as a helful tool and move forward.
• I resolve to eat more fruit. To be fair, one fruit would probably be “more fruit.” But I would like to incorporate it into the diet fairly regularly this year.
• I also resolve to stop referring to Skittles as “fruit.”
• I resolve to beat Shaun Lambert in a “Call of Duty” game this calendar year. We’ve been battling in this game for about 10 years, and judging by my resolution, you should know how many of these games turn out between us. I might be “accidentally” injuring one of Shaun’s thumbs in an odd printer accident at some point. See, that’s me focusing on the “now.”
• I resolve to be a better father this year. The apple of my eye turned 6 weeks old last week and she still can’t speak, do long division or operate a motor vehicle. I’m not even going to get into her habitual inability to find honest work.
• I resolve to use less gasoline, re-purpose more items before I just toss them away for a landfill and to generally lessen my carbon footprint a little bit. This one’s not very hard. Especially when you compare it to the fruit thing.
• I resolve to not swear as much when the Baltimore Ravens stink as badly as they did last weekend in Houston. I think it’s important that we all remember the “as much” portion of that resolution.
• I resolve to show the reporters and (possibly) our staff photographer a little more positivity this year. Another one of my poor habits is remembering the things we don’t do well as opposed to the good that we do get done.
• I resolve to really work on my curveball this year. If I’m ever going to make it to the Major Leagues I’m going to have to get that thing to “drop off a table” instead of just flatlining up to the plate. Oh, and I resolve to finally let go of my dreams to play professional sports. I will also try to sever any hopes I have of another growth spurt. That’s probably not happening, either.
• I resolve to untether from my cell phone a bit more this year. It’s not like I actually, you know, talk on the phone very much — I just usually have my nose in my email, fantasy sports updates or text messages. It’s a great way to stay in the proverbial loop, but that loop can quickly become a noose.
• I resolve to never pick on my good friend Bob Bertram again. He’s such... I can’t do it. Just can’t do it. Please forget you ever read this one.
• I resolve to walk a little bit more this year. Let’s face facts: I’m not going to run anywhere unless I’m being chased by a really scary monster or a nutritionist or something, so it’s time to lower the bar. Baby steps, if you will, by taking, well, baby steps.
• I resolve to keep looking this good. Every. Single. Day.
• I resolve to get over my self-esteem issues.
• I resolve to spend more time at home, let go of some of my work obligations and trust the excellent people we have here to take them on, and leave my home problems at home and my work problems at work.
• I resolve to try to be a better me.