I'm turning myself over to positive thinking


My leaf has turned.

No longer will I focus my attention on mouth-breathing, simpleton dolts who fill our atmosphere with their ignorant blatherings or hate-filled dialogue. I’m not wasting any more time on knee-jerk politicians hitching their wagons to the latest trending topics on Twitter by spewing forth proposals that will never see the light of day, and you won’t read anything more from me on annoying internet trolls who take out the frustrations of their own miserable, rudderless lives on anybody who has accomplished anything of note.


Nope. It’s now all rainbows and unicorns from this guy.

The problem with this newfound philosophy I’m adopting is that it’s hard to reverse the tide of a lifetime of being critical. From questioning why the doctor didn’t use more of his wrist when he slapped my perfect bottom at birth to heckling mimes on street corners, my gift from birth has been pointing out people’s weaknesses and trying to make them feel less-than-human.

And, yeah, everybody needs a guy like that in their life, right?

But I am intent on changing the narrative of my efforts. Determined to find the right inspiration, I went to the ultimate source of love and respect — the internet. That magical place that exists at the end of a series of pipes and tunnels that houses all of life’s information, and serves as a gathering place for people all around the world to offer constructive criticisms and encouraging words.

Sorry, that last sentence caused something unpleasant to form in the back of my throat. Hang on while I get a glass of water. Actually, let’s make that two glasses. That was a pretty gross statement.

Regardless, after searching through the dark recesses of the internet, I did find a nice story about love and creativity to help me in my new direction of spreading that very message. Please, permit me to share...

An Arkansas man, intent on coming up with a unique way to propose to his girlfriend, used Nintendo’s “Super Mario Maker,” a video game/creation tool that allows users to develop their own unique levels of the popular game. According to a story by UPI, Shane Birkinbine guided his girlfriend through a game of Super Mario, instructing her to move her character to the right while avoiding blocks he needed to remain intact on top of the screen.

When she got to a certain point in the game, the screen read, “Pam will you marry me,” in block letters.

According to the story, she laughed, accepted the proposal, and continued to play the game, ultimately completing the level. Because, you know, it would have been rude to stop after he put all that work into it.

To be honest with you, I’m more than a little surprised this story didn’t involve our own Tom Maglio and his decidedly-better-half, Katie — though Tom’s game/proposal would have involved long spears, dragons and superheroes, and Katie would have made him sweat a little longer before giving him an answer.

I always liked that girl.

Now, here’s where my newfound affair with optimism and love hit a little snag. After reading that story, and finding it pretty cute, I also found myself a little bored. I changed up the search parameters a little bit, and came up with another story to share, this one from Florida.

Because, let’s face it, there are always some interesting stories coming out of Florida.

WBBH in Florida reported a call a man made to 911 operators to alert them that his neighbors were fighting loudly. Deputies showed up, found no disturbance of any kind at the neighbor’s, and went to talk with the caller, Jack Means.

Police said Means was drunk and angry after his girlfriend refused to buy him vodka, so he called 911. Because, you know, that’s what you’re supposed to do when your significant other won’t buy you booze. You call the police on your neighbors.

Whoa. Sorry. That cynicism started to creep back up, so it’s time to move on to the next story.

Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper (not affiliated with the Coastal Point) reported last week that, while love is magical, it does indeed come with a price.

$680.

Nikolai Zyablikov recently filed suit against his ex-girlfriend for “illegal enrichment” during the course of their relationship. He had receipts for his argument, stating that he paid for the couple to go on a romantic trip for two, but then was dumped by his former flame.

The girlfriend in question, by the way, argued that she had expected their four-year relationship to culminate in a marriage proposal during the trip, and “flipped out” when it did not, according to Ren-TV television.

The district court in Siberia shot down the man’s suit on appeal, according to the newspaper piece, but Zyablikov wasn’t too bothered by the decision.

“I wasn’t going to take her money,” he told Bloknot-Krasnoyarsk.ru, a local news website. “I loved her, and she decided to take advantage of me to have a vacation.”

So, he wasn’t going to take her money if he won. That would be a warm and fuzzy thing, right?