It’s fairly hanging low fruit… or figs… or whatever it is that they eat over in England (not sure… basing all knowledge of the U.K. off Austin Powers), to say that London Bridge is falling down.
Just days after whatever Brexit is (again, not sure… assuming it’s not so shagadellic, though, baby), caused Prime Minister David Cameron to resign, England’s 2-1 loss to Iceland caused English football manager Roy Hodgson to do the same… which, over in America, would be kind of like if Barack Obama went all R. Milhous Nixon on us, and then a few days later, Michael Phelps lines up for the Olympic 100-free, bellyflops and drowns.
To the uncultured American layman, like myself, Iceland may not seem like such an embarrassing team to lose to — mostly given the fact that they were the bad guys in pretty much all of the Mighty Ducks movies, with guys going by such totally sweet handles as Wolf “The Dentist” Stanson, and kids who were supposed to be like, 13, or something, rocking full beards and Johnny Cash-inspired uniforms, etc. — but apparently they’re not so ideal to lose to when it comes to soccer instead of hockey and real life instead of Disney franchise opportunities.
Apparently, losing to Iceland in soccer is really bad, actually. Like, possibly England’s-worst-loss-ever/definitely-worst-loss-of-the-current-generation bad. Possibly like losing to Team Jamaica in the bobsled.
Not only is the entire country’s population only 330,000, making it (Iceland) the smallest nation to ever qualify for a major soccer tournament. Not only is England 200 times bigger than Iceland, population-wise. But, somewhat ironically, considering the aforementioned thing about the Mighty Ducks, Iceland’s coach, Heimir Hallgrimsson, actually works as a part-time dentist to pay the bills when not coaching the national team to 2-1 wins over the Red Coats. (Before resigning, Hodgson was making Jerry McGuire-money coaching England — 4.6 million, either $ or € or £? per year.)
Given a major American media outlet spin like the one I just… spun… for a country that prides themselves on what I assume could really only basically be two things — (One, being good at soccer; two, inventing “The Office”), I’m assuming that your average Englander is feeling pretty down right about now. Like maybe even that things couldn’t get much worse.
So to make English natives everywhere feel better — including Indian River High School head soccer coach Steve Kilby, who, honestly, probably could have taken down Iceland with the state champion Indians this year — let’s take a look at all the worse things that have happened to the Brits since whenever the United Kingdom was founded (Austin Powers did not specify).
Paul Revere was pretty bad for England, I’m pretty sure.
If what I remember from my fifth-grade American history class serves me correctly, Revere was the dude who took a Midnight Ride and found out that all the Lannisters were on their way from Casterly Rock, or something like that, and then rode back shouting “The British are Coming! The British are Coming!” and woke everyone up and then… I guess we won, America? Or something? I guess?
I’m not real sure the specifics, because most of my knowledge of the American Revolution comes from the movie “The Patriot,” where Mel Gibson takes down the whole British army pretty much by himself, which probably isn’t the most historically accurate but was totally sweet anyway.
Either way, I’m pretty sure Paul Revere is right up there with Heimir Hallgrimsson and the chick with all the dragons when it comes to being bad for Britain.
The Black Death
The Black Death pandemic — that, I actually do remember pretty well from sophomore history, and further looked into after hearing Jim Morrison chant “bring out your dead, bring out your dead” before a live recorded performance of “The End” by The Doors — killed around 3.5 million people in just three years in mid-14th century England.
On the whole, it wiped out an estimated 30 to 60 percent of Europe’s population.
Needless to say, the Black Death was, at least, slightly worse than losing a soccer game to Iceland.
The Spice Girls
While the Black Death is unquestionably England’s worst pandemic in history, the Spice Girls are a close second. Single-handedly, the “musical group” set music in the U.K. back 1,000 years.
Kilby comes to America
Has anything been worse for England and better for America than Steve Kilby making his way across the pond? For Indian River High School and River Soccer, probably not.
Now living here for decades (not sure how many… assuming that the few peppered gray hairs are probably mostly from his grandson, Charlie), Kilby has racked up not just one, but two state championship stars, and more division and conference championships than you could possibly list on a commemorative jacket, let alone keep track the exact number of.
Who knows how many championships he’d have should he have stayed in the U.K. and coached soccer at some ritzy British private school, like Hogwarts or something.
Losing Kilby was most definitely bad for the Brits and good for the Yanks. Hopefully, England doesn’t come knocking with 4.7 million (€ or £ or whatever), because I’m pretty sure the Indians still have a few more American state championships they’re looking to win.
Well, there you have it. If a list like that doesn’t have your average English crumpet scaling his way back down Big Ben on a foggy day, I don’t know what will. Either way, I’m gonna go try and finally figure out this bloody Brexit thing from someone that doesn’t sound like Don Cheadle in “Ocean’s 13.” Cheerio!