America: The land of the free. The home of the brave. The birthplace of the word “supersize” and adult-onset diabetes.
Unlike Hillary’s outbox and Trump’s history of sexual misconduct, it’s no attempted hidden secret that this year’s election has the general American public feeling more or less manic in terms of who we’ve been sullied with as choices to run the free world.
While questionable polling projections from pocketed major media outlets point to Hillary as the probable lesser of two evils for the next four years, the sports world recently touted the same hypothesis when the Washington Redskins posted a 27-20 win over the Philadelphia Eagles last week.
Over the course of the last 19 years, what has become known as “The Redskins Rule” has correctly predicted the outcome of the ensuing election 17 times.
The rule is simple and, obviously, more superstitious than scientific. If the ’Skins win their final home game before the election, as they did last Sunday, then the incumbent party stays in power. If they lose, the other party takes over.
So, with all pretty much appearing to be pretty much lost as we prepare for the series finale of “America” as we know it, here’s a few candidates worth writing in the ballot box should We the People ever decide to elect another gang other than the Demo’crips or Re’blood’bicans.
Colin Kaepernick (QB, San Francisco 49ers)
Say what you will about Kap, but whether you agree with his politics or no, at the least the dude is standing up for something while sitting down during renditions of the national anthem.
He even took the high road when Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg not-so-sophisticatedly called his protest “dumb.”
Kap’s response? “At the end of the day, the flag is just a piece of cloth, and I am not going to value a piece of cloth over people’s lives. That’s just not something I can do; it’s not something I feel morally right doing, and my character won’t allow me to do that.”
Pretty politically savvy and level-headed of him, considering he could have just as easily called the ol’ gargoyle “dumb” right back. Or referenced her striking resemblance to “Gollum” from “Lord of the Rings.”
Peyton Manning (pizza salesman, Papa John’s)
While he may have no political background to speak of, Manning’s success as a pizza mogul and television personality gives him pretty much the same political credentials as Donald Trump.
Factor in that he pays his taxes on that pizza empire and, from what I can gather, isn’t inherently racist, and Manning seems like the better Republican candidate to me.
Maybe he’d even run with Papa John himself, and do something, pizza-wise, about the nearly 50 million food-insecure Americans struggling to put meals on the table, instead of spending trillions of taxpayer dollars on another “dumb” war.
Little-known fact: before Manning made his millions slinging dough, he also played professional football for the Indianapolis Colts and Denver Broncos. He even won the Super Bowl — twice!
Tom Brady and Bill Belichick (QB/HC, New England Patriots)
OK, OK. So why trade in one candidate who refused to release incriminating emails for ones who refused to release incriminating text messages? Or one that secretly records personal emails, text messages, etc., in the name of security, for ones that secretly record personal playbooks in the name of securing Super Bowl wins?
That’s a valid point, but consider this: Brady and Belichick were eventually reprimanded, and, hopefully, learned something from their misdeeds, while Godzillary got away scot-free and as a result, only learned that she can pretty much do whatever she wants with no repercussions.
Factor in the amount of red, white and blue that Bill and Tom wear to work, sleeves and/or Uggs or no, and they seem like the more patriotic choice to me.
Maggie Ford (defender, Indian River High School field hockey/basketball/soccer)
With nine teams at Indian River High School to keep up with last spring, it was often that former Point photographer R. Chris Clark would have to step out from behind the lens to help cover some games for the sports section.
The only problem? R. Chris Clark is R. Chris Clark. While his photography talents were unquestioned, his interviewing skills were most certainly questionable (at best).
It was often that he’d be at a soccer game while I was at lacrosse or baseball or the racetrack or whatever, and he’d call me up to ask me what to ask.
Not being at the game, my solution to this problem would typically be, “Just ask Maggie Ford. She’ll know what to say.”
The audio interviews I’d get back were typically 99 percent Maggie Ford, and >1 percent R. Chris Clark — a surefire formula to a coherent article, considering that not only is Maggie Ford more well-spoken than Chris, but probably more well-spoken than former President Gerald R. Ford as well.
The only obstacle to Maggie Ford for POTUS would be the law stating that persons running for president must be 35 years of age or older. But considering our last president, she should be able to get away with the whole birth-certificate thing, too.
Not considered: Green Party, Jill Stein (underfunded); Libertarian, Gary Johnson (doesn’t know what Aleppo is); and IR coach, Steve Kilby (born in England).
With the election fast approaching, and now with these far-better-suited candidates to consider, let’s hope that America isn’t fooled into believing that their choices on Nov. 8 are simply Coke or Pepsi. There’s a write-in option on ballets for a reason; and while Coke may have slightly less sugar and Pepsi a little less sodium, both of them will rot your teeth.