The Undead take center stage


Pale and drawn, The Undead sluggishly amble their way through the sacred corridors of some of our nation’s most powerful institutions. Guttural noises escape from their barely-moving lips as they struggle with their coordination, seemingly mesmerized with finding a spot they can call their own, if only for a short period of time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the lame ducks in our national Senate and Congress.

This is a wacky situation. Put yourself in the position of one of these congressmen or senators who recently lost his or her seat in the recent election. The people you represent decided you weren’t doing a good-enough job, they publically elected someone else they feel can do the job more ably than you ... and you still have to go to work for a few months in the public eye?

Man, that’s like having a girl dump you for another guy over a public address system at an NFL game — but you still have to take her out to dinner until the new guy is ready to take over the reins.

If you lost your job to someone else, with the entire world watching the proceedings, wouldn’t you prefer to just curl up into a ball somewhere and start a new career building log cabins in Montana for sociopaths? I mean, wouldn’t you rather do just about anything else in the entire world than stick out your mug for the whole world to shake their collective head at you in pity and/or scorn?

I would pout. Then I would stomp. Then I would put on a little bawling display as I pouted and stomped before sending in my intern to gather my belongings.

“But you have a vote today, Rep. McCann. You can’t leave.”

“Tell the new guy to do it. He’s so cool, right? You can’t make me! You can’t. You can’t. You can’t.”

That little foray into my personal immaturity aside, I don’t understand why they can’t just move people in right away. Or, at the least, excuse them from future embarrassment and let them slink away into the night. I know, I know. These people are professionals and have an obligation to see that they put forth their best effort for as long a period as the voters elected them into position in the first place.

Blah, blah, blah.

Let’s be pragmatic. What are these people going to get accomplished right now? Think the Republicans that are staying behind want to start a good fight now, knowing that they are going to be outnumbered in a few months? Please. No, this is going to be a time when the winning incumbents start sucking up to the new powers-that-be, hoping to be able to get something important to their districts or states approved down the line.

And The Undead will be those wallflowers in the corner of the room — too embarrassed to enter a conversation or grab a cup of punch.

I’ve never really been a fan of the “lame duck.”

For instance, Michigan State recently announced that their head football coach would not remain with the team after the completion of this season. However, the guy is still coaching his team today, even after being fired.

I realize he sees it as a chance to prove the administration at Michigan State wrong, rally his team back to prominence and get a good job at another school. However, if you’re a 19-year-old football player and your now-fired coach is telling you to do something you really don’t feel much like doing, are you going to listen? And, if you’re an assistant coach right now with a family of hungry mouths at home, aren’t you searching for coaching jobs with at least part of that time you’re supposed to be spending watching film on next week’s opponent?

Oh, I do have pity for the lame duck. But I also have fear of these zombies in Washington. Look, I grew up there, and I saw plenty of people walking around with far-away looks in their eyes and disheveled appearances. We called them crackheads. But they had little authority in the world that did not revolve around public urination and stealing bottles of mouth wash from the dollar store to get drunk.

These zombies on Capital Hill still pack a little more punch than their counterparts. Though I’d doubt the Undead can get anything new pushed through, they are still expected to vote on issues such as tax breaks, trade issues with Vietnam and Peru and cuts for doctors in Medicare payments.

Wouldn’t you prefer the living makes these decisions?